The folks at the MacroDosing Pod dropped a doozie on the internet when Arian Foster casually admitted to scripted NFL Games… Nah I’m just joking around, I know it’s all in jest, but I needed to get out my inner-Larry Johnson. The game that is football is to beautiful to be scripted. Simple as that. If you tried to bring a script to a Hollywood studio for some of the games we saw this season, they’d laugh in your face, shoot you in the foot, drag you to their car, drop you off at a pier, hire a team of international divers, and swim you to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean with cinder blocks tied to your feet (might be a little dramatic, but just paying homage to PFTCommentor since he started this whole thing).
The clip ended with one of the MacroDosing hosts, Big T (less commonly known as Conner Knapp), asking Arian Foster, “what did you think when you got the script in 2016, that said your career was going to fall off a cliff when you [Arian] stopped believing in God?”. The question sparked a little sub-genre of tweet styles and the quote tweets got filled with golden tweet, after tweet, of hypothetical scripted games/moments. Here are a few of my favorite:
The quote tweets got me wondering though. What moments from this NFL season would get you laughed out of a Hollywood studio? (and then shot, car, pier, international divers, etc…)
Week 3-Wild Card Round: The Tua Tagovailoa Injury Saga
Oh not the clip you were expecting? Because I don’t like watching the Tua-Bengals WWE slam-down, so find your injury porn elsewhere you sickos! Instead, enjoy the pre-season clip that made me think the Dolphins were going 17-0.
The Tua injury saga is one of the sadder storylines of the ‘22-’23 NFL season. After a “back injury” diagnosis the week prior, Tua got hit with some sort of alligator roll-suplex hybrid, and immediately showed serious signs of injury. He was carted off and put under concussion protocol, forcing him to sit out the next two weeks. Tua would later sustain another head injury in week 17, effectively ending his season, as the Dolphins later got bounced in the first round of the playoffs. No jokes here. Only respect for #TuAnon and it’s entities.
Reason for Hollywood laughing you out the studio: Plot hole after plot hole. An NFL doctor and a Dolphins team doctor couldn’t correctly diagnose a concussion, but the rest of America can? Yeah, call me when pigs fly and bears stop shitting in the woods. NEXT!
Week 5: Colts vs Broncos
There’s rock bottom, 50 feet of excrement, every game of the 2008 Detroit Lions season, and beneath all that, you’ll find this Colts-Broncos game. There’s your stereotypical “I’d rather watch paint dry”, but even that would be woefully underselling the grossness of this game. 25 third down stops, 12 punts, 6 fumbles, 4 interceptions, and 0 touchdowns in this glorious battle of the bozos. Sounds like the saddest rendition of On The First Day Of Christmas that I’ve ever heard. Not only was it one of the worst NFL games in recent memory; they put it on Thursday Night Football just to ruin everyone’s end of the week. The game was so awful that legendary commentator Al Michaels, threatened to retire if he had to call another game of that quality (he probably bet the over). Luckily for Al, Commanders-Bears was the following TNF game.
Reason for Hollywood laughing you out the studio: Filler episodes shouldn’t compel fans to take a long walk off a short pier. Not only does it fail in adding to the greater story-arc, it negates from everything built up in the 4 weeks prior, actively insulting anyone dumb enough to sit through all four quarters AND overtime (me). NEXT!
Week 13-NFC Championship: Brock Purdy
After the 49ers incredible run of mediocre to below average QB’s, Kyle Shanahan finally lucked into one. Jimmy G went down with a foot injury on the opening drive of the week 13 game against the Dolphins, and in stepped Mr. Irrelevant—Brock Purdy. The rock didn’t stop with Brock, as Purdy and the 9ers cruised through the Dolphins, winning 33-17. With the help of one of the most talented offenses ever, Brock Purdy ended his regular season a perfect 6-0 as starting QB, and the 49ers on a 10-game win streak heading into the playoffs. Cries of Tom Brady 2.0 started pouring in from all sides of the internet, and you wanna know my issue with that? Comparing Brock Purdy to the GOAT is one thing, but for Purdy to be Brady 2.0… That means Jimmy G is Drew Bledsoe and that’s highly offensive to Drew Bledsoe. Back to the original topic though, Mr. Irrelevant’s (now relevant at this point) magical run came to an abrupt conclusion when he suffered a torn UCL in the 1st quarter of the NFC Championship. Very 49ers-esque.
Reason for Hollywood laughing you out the studio: Uhh, I don’t know if this one’s getting laughed out the room completely. They might hear you out on this one. With a little tweaking to the ending, “Mr. Irrelevant, Relevant?” (title needs some workshopping too), could be a blockbuster hit! Right up their with the greatest football movies of all time: Remember the Titans, Friday Night Lights, and Home Team
Week 15: Jakobi Meyers Lateral Play
At the very moment Jakobi Meyers let go of that ball, Patriots fans around the country let out a collective “what-the-fuck”, as they watched that pigskin sail ever so perfectly into Chandler Jones’s arms. All that was left standing between Chandler Jones and a walk off touchdown? Michael McCorkle Jones, and as the old saying goes; Mac was grass, and Chandler Jones was a John Deere S170 48-in 24-HP V-Twin Riding lawn mower. A good ol’ fashion double lateral, fumble recovery, walk-off touchdown.
Reason for Hollywood laughing you out the studio: Unrealistic. Fans are dumb, but this is just malarkey. Throwing the ball 20 yards backwards, in front of your own end zone, in a tie game, with Mac Jones as the last line of defense? NEXT!
Also Week 15: Colts Blow A 33-point Lead
Coming off a bye week and a 54-19 catty-whomping by the Cowboys in the previous game, the Colts jumped out to a commanding 33-0 lead against the Vikings… Until the Noon Nightmare woke up. Vikings scored on their first drive out of half and the Colts countered with a field goal to make it 36-7. Kirk Cousins, a.k.a. The Noon Nightmare, a.k.a. Kirko Bangz, would proceed to hang 29 straight and tie the ballgame on a successful 2-pt conversion. The Vikings would go on to win the game with a 40-yd field goal from Greg Joseph in overtime. The Colts’ JS-Ultra project continued to spiral down the endless drain of despair, claiming another veteran QB in it’s wake. The loss was so brutal that Matt Ryan, a guy known for gut-wrenching losses, voluntarily stepped down at QB for the following game.
Reason for Hollywood laughing you out the studio: The main character is the opposite of polarizing. No one wants to watch their local Liberty Mutual agent star in a 33-point comeback. The Noon Nightmare is an extra at best. NEXT!
Week 12: Zack Wilson replaced by Mike White
“Hey moron, the rest of the list is chronological and this one isn’t!” I know. I did it for drama purposes. This script is one I would watch the hell out of and generally hope it gets made into a movie. The high drafted, future-of-the-franchise stud, replaced by your average joe, Mike White. He’s not even the top Mike White to pop up when you google him. The name alone screams average joe: Mike White. Simple and to the point. He’s Mike, he’s white, and he came here to become the starting QB of the New York Football Jets; while simultaneously teaching the MILF-slaying jock some life lessons. Like the Purdy story, the ending needs a few tweaks but the premise is beautiful. Bring in the guy who played Alex Moran in Blue Mountain State to star as Mike White. Don’t change anything about Alex Moran’s character besides his name. Overnight world-wide hit potential.
Reason for Hollywood exploiting your script idea in exchange for a small sum of money: Mike White.