Dry January is stupid.
The concept, I get. The timing? It makes no sense.
It’s the best time of year to watch football, and the idiots doing Dry January choose to deprive themselves of one of the best times in the calendar year to partake in vices. Half the playoff games fall on a Saturday for fucks sake! You people have created a New Years resolution prison for yourself. One that you most likely broke within the first few minutes of the New Year by continuing to drink past the ball dropping.
That’s right…you know you failed Dry January.
The moment that clock hit midnight on New Years Eve, whether you scored a big kiss with your crush, laid a heavy one on your life partner, or cried in the corner because your life is loveless, I can almost guarantee you fuckers took at least one more sip of alcohol…on January 1st…
So stop lying to yourself. That dream was dead the moment it began you self-righteous pieces of shit.
Let me introduce you to “Forgive My Sins February.”
Right up front, it has to be understood the Superbowl doesn’t count.
If you Dry January fucks can cheat the moment you’re supposed to start, Forgive My Sins February deserves the same leeway. So the Superbowl? Of course we’re taking that off.
Every other day in February? Fuck life up with your sobriety.
But why is February the perfect month not to partake in sinful activities (the Superbowl notwithstanding)?
To put it simply, it’s the easiest month not to drink.
Hear me out…
January just ended, right? You didn’t do Dry January because you’re not stupid, but you also want to start the year off right…You want to be your best self…
The first week is easy.
Conference championship week is over and you’ve already started planning for the Superbowl. You’re not going out this coming weekend, right? You know how crazy the Superbowl gets, so you want to take it easy the weekend before. The work week might have been tough, but it’s just one weekend. Easy peasy.
The second week is exciting.
Damn you feel good about yourself! You slept great all weekend, the week feels manageable, and the Superbowl is almost here! Go out Friday and Saturday? Why? Sunday Funday is just around the corner. The Superbowl comes and it’s better than you ever imagined. You take that same cheat day that everyone doing Dry January denies doing, but you’ve done it on one of the best days of the year! Superbowl Sunday was a fuckin blast.
The third week is even easier than the first.
That Monday hangover was rough.
Work sucked, you’re low on sleep, and you don’t feel fully like yourself till Wednesday. Go out this weekend? Fuck that. This week sucked. You don’t want to experience that two weeks in a row. Plant yourself on the couch, load up on snacks, and watch all eight Harry Potter movies. Doesn’t sound too bad, huh?
The fourth week it all makes sense.
Why did you ever do Dry January?!?
Forgive My Sins February has been easy as hell. You haven’t missed out on anything important, you feel great, and now you remember February is the shortest month of the year! Fuck yeah.
You bear those last few days. They’re hard, but everything fun is just around the corner.
-St. Patrick’s Day
-Your little cousins 21st birthday where you plan to ruin their life
So “Dry January?“
“Forgive My Sins February” FTW.